Tag Archives: emotions


When the self becomes mature enough to the point of ripening, the flower blooms and produces a fruit. This is the beautiful process of life. I have felt it come and go in certain stages of life, every time happening with a more powerful strength and carrying me across the world ocean. Before this ripening happens, I have no idea this is about to come. Usually this ripening is preceded by a dark age – sometimes short, sometimes long and exhausting – where the foundation of the self has to be prepared and the ground needs to be worked upon so that the spring can rise, the flower can bloom. There is no other purpose in life than to reach this maturity, over and over again. This is a state which, like air, can flicker away in an instant, yet its strong presence must be extended by consciousness. This is the jewel of life, this is what all of us seek in our unconscious, subconscious, semiconscious lives. Love is the ultimate state of being in which the self lives out of doubt and in clarity. Perpetual clarity is a state of being, a crystallization which gives us purpose. Frustration can and must trigger this process, the same way as boredom, anger and grief. These are precious gifts given to us so that we can refocus ourselves in our journey. To some they might be obstacles or resistances, but in the true sense of reality they are blessings and stepping stones. They are the wind and the current which will empower our boat to greater distances and wonderful lands that we cannot even dare to imagine. The self has a sense of this yet the mind is too limited to consider this. The mind gets stuck in the problem-solving aspects and forgets the vastness of the self. Only by learning how to use each of these resistances in order to come out of doubt and stabilize the self within those turmoils and dark times we can transcend those limitations and for once and for real live in reality in the true sense of the word. In the vast reality and quiet shores that we have come here into life to achieve. All adversities are to our advantages. We just need to tame the dragon, calm down the flow of emotions and commotions of an unsettled, frustrated heart. Become aware of the freedom in stillness, where freedom means opening that space inside the dungeon of the ribcage.

This is my prayer, that we all learn to live in this bliss. I have been waiting for three years for this moment again. A new stage arises and a new maturity has reached my lands. I welcome this stage with gratitude and an open heart.

“If you set your heart on something, your head will give in. That is why it is the most powerful center and extremely dangerous. On the other hand, this is the only center worth living with. […]

If you ever want to be compassionate, first be compassionate to yourself. You shall not understand another person’s feelings and behaviors accurately, intuitively, if you are not compassionate to yourself.” – Yogi Bhajan. July 17, 1988

The cleaning lady from my kindergarten

Today I am sharing a personal childhood memory. I’m doing this because it is very vivid, since I have experienced the same through Theo and other children at the daycare center.

Lets go back to Mexico in the 1980s.
Kindergarten. A very beautiful blue building, two actually, surrounding a big playground which had two carrousels, animals you could climb, lots of slides, rings, even a pool. Dreamland. Lots of children who were very happy. And I remember the fence. That metal fence where mama would walk out and sit in the car for hours peeking if I was ok. I don’t remember much of inside of the buildings because I was probably very rarely there. I cried all the time. I didn’t want to go there. I wanted mami. I cried so much, teachers couldn’t take care of me while holding the group. So a very kind lady, the cleaning lady, would spend the mornings holding me and riding the carrousel. I remember her kindness, her compassion, and I don’t remember any of the other teachers, nor much other than that putter playground.
The kindergarten itself was very posh and on the edge of new technologies. That was on the early 80s. I do remember the English classroom. It was on the farther building, on the first floor. There were these big headphones hanging from the ceiling, ones over each chair, and children would put those and listen to (a tape?) the English lessons. It was scary to say the least. But it was high end technology.
Back to the playground. The carrousel. The kind cleaning lady. My sadness, I missed my mami. And she was heartbroken herself she left me there. And I was not a small child, I must have been 4 or 5 years old.
I must say though that my mother was the most caring and loving person I could have asked for. She never left us alone. She was practicing mostly attachment parenting without that term even existing back then. She left her professional life, her whole career behind to stay home with us kids. No blame or guilt intended here whatsoever.

Fast forward to 2013, and my feelings come alive when we are trying out a daycare center with Theo. I stayed with him all morning (we were there for two hours actually), and all this time a little boy, about 2.5 years old, was crying for his mommy. My heart went out to him. Of course, the care takers were in a hard situation, having to deal with him and at the same time take care of all children. And having parents around. The poor boy kept crying until we left, and we left early mostly because my nervous system was so tired from hearing that boy cry. We came home and I slept so deep rejuvenating sleep I needed to heal that inside me.
All te time I felt like reaching out for that boy. Of course he didn’t want that, he wanted mommy. (And I didn’t try, who knows who might feel I’m exceeding the boundaries by hugging a boy). He was clinging into one caretaker, but mostly she was urging him to play or ignoring his cries. And all the other children were looking at him now and then. It was pretty intense.
As a mother, maybe I am too sensitive. Because of how I am, probably influenced also by the fact that I lost my first child. I am extremely compassionate and in any situation I feel the impulse to reach out to those in need.
So I was holding myself today. It was, after all, not my issue. But I did reflect on the fact of how that whole situation is affecting the psyche of that child, the other children, the caretakers and all. It felt to me that that boy, same as me 30 years ago, was not ready to take that step. At the same time, my heart goes to the mother, who was probably in a situation that had to put her child there. And to the caretakers, in such a difficult task.
I do believe strongly that I can express all what I feel. I felt that child’s feelings being neglected, everybody pretending he was not in a deep state of grief. And I don’t want my child to learn such rudeness. Also a little more love from the caretakers could have changed the whole situation. Of a lot more love, which was what the boy needed. A group hug, having all the other children acknowledge what was going on instead of ignoring it, having all children sing to him so he could heal. I thought of making those suggestions but felt it was not my place, as I’m an observer. (Probably I should have). I feel we need a lot more kindness, understanding, reaching out to others in this world. Love, treating others as they are worth, as respected human beings, evermore when they are desperately crying it out for help. They communicate, but we ignore it. They learn that speaking out is useless. So they submit, learn to ignore their emotions, dig them down deep and keep them for themselves. And yes, at some point that child will give up his cries, and prove that we won the battle, but aren’t we the ones who must give up our ideas of how a child must behave? Of how much love or kindness he needs? Aren’t we te ones who are not understanding the signals, when he uses all his might to communicate as a complete human being worth of being listened to? Aren’t we the ones who should stop pretending to ignore and deal creatively and lovingly with every challenging situation?
Instead of telling him “don’t cry, mama will come” (and him waiting for mama for one second, and asking again- *small children don’t have the sense if time as adults do), showing him lovingly “yes, mama is not here, it is very sad, but we are all here for you!”. Maybe it doesn’t work and I’m just stupid, but trying it (for 100 times, not less) doesn’t hurt anyone. In fact it may teach the other children to reach out. And make the day lighter and brighter for everyone.

At the end I listened to my intuition (after all, I am teaching about intuition right!) and have had such a wonderful time together with Theo with no need of daycare or playrooms. At this age, what a child most needs is attention from the close circle (mother and father) and yes, occasionally a babysitter or another playmate who has a fully loaded battery. (That is, beside other kids of course)

Blessings and kindness to every soul,
Sukhdev Kaur

Tartus: Teadlik rasedus ja sünnitus, jooga kursus 25. märts

Sat nam!

25. märtsil külastame Tartut ja hommikul õpetan rasedate jooga mis ettevalmistab sünnituseks. Partnerid on ka teretulnud viimaseks tunniks.
Kursus algab kl 9:00 ja lõpeb 13:00.

“Laps õpib sinu kõhus. Kõik jõud, julgus, vaimsus ja inspiratsioon mis sa tahad temale anda, tee seda enne sünnitust. Kui laps on sinu kõhust väljunud, mäng on läbi. Pärast seda, ema on juht, põetaja, hooldaja. Ema roll algab kui laps on tema kõhus.” -Yogi Bhajan

Teemad mis me puudutame:

– Kuidas joogaga saad nautida oma rasedust ja sünnitust. Igapäevase harjutused, meditatsioonid ja mantrad.
– Muutused psüühikas raseduse ajal, sünnitusel ning imetamisel. 
– Kuidas keskenduda ja saada selget meelt
– Pranayam (hingamine) mis aitab sünnitusel ja pärast sünnitust. Hingamistehnika mis annab jõud.
– Emotsioonid, hirmud, väljakutsed.
– Ema ja naine, erinevad rollid
– Sünnitus: avades beebiväravat, emotsionaalne väljakutse, koostöö beebiga. Komplikatsioonid ja kui asjad ei lähe nii nagu oli plaanis. Alistumine beebi eluteele.
– Teadlik lapsevanem ja kuidas jooga saab aidata.

Kursusele on teretulnud rasedaid ja kõik naised kellel huvi on teada rohkem teadlikust rasedusest. Eelnev kogemus joogaga pole vajalik. Kursusel teeme jooga harjutused, mis tugevdavad keha ja närvisüsteem ja ettevalmistavad keha sünnituseks, hingamisharjutused, meditatsiionid ja räägime teadlikust rasedusest.

Kursus maksab 25 eur (20 eur etteregistreerimisel enne 23.03 makstes 10 eur Urban Dharma OÜ arvele 10220090076018 selgitus “Tartu rasedate jooga”). Partnerid on teretulnud kl 12ks ja jääda lõpuni.

Aadress: Küütri 14, sissepääs on hoovist ja 2. korrus.

Palun võta kaasa mugavad riided, matt või vaip/lambanahk et istuda põrandal, ühe patja ning tekk lõdvestamise ajaks, veepudel, kui vajad midagi näksida ja kirjutamisvahendid.

Rohkem infot:

Sukhdev Kaur
Tel. 5373 1839
Email. sukhdevkaur@khalsa.com


fears, emotions.. its all part of the game

The moment we accept to take part in the game of life, we must play by its rules… sort of.
Living in a society implies that we live in harmony with each other, at least we respect or tolerate others around as, for the sake of our own liberty. Living in a society means also adapting our human nature to the finite rules it entails, some of which lead to the creation of fears: what will happen if? what will “they” say? how will people react if?
Some of these fears are not as explicit as others, yet the subconscious still may work under these lines if not looked at carefully.
Ok, we all have fears, that is also part of our human nature. And it is fine to have fears. But it is also fine, and actually great, to be able to shed light into our fears, and once in a while destroy them, and free from them. Releasing fears actually means exposing yourself, loosing your shield. And that is one of the biggest fears that any human has – loosing the game. In fact, all these small fears (and plays) relate to the greatest fear which we all share, and which is fear of death. All fears are a sort of shadow or a facet of fear of dying. But what if I consciously decide to die, to die everyday, to die into life, to die out of the constant play of fears? If I consciously decide to die in a form which kills my finite self, I lose then the finite game, which means that I lose the fear and act more openly and consciously, playing an infinite game.

Emotions, the same way, take part in the finite game: “Am I not entitled to feel this way?”, “But what I feel also counts!”, “Why should this I feel be wrong?”… Its all part of a drama that has nothing to do with emotions themselves. Emotions are calls for attention, something in me feels something, whether it is pain, love, etc. (I am over-theorethicising a theme which should not be over-theorethicised, I admit!) Yesterday I was feeling very sad and lonely and dragged. Today I am not. Now some psychologists may say that I have built a shield around myself, which may be partly true, but the main thing is that emotions are fleeting. If we just allow them to be, without taking part in their game, they will just pass in their due time. Just let them be, they are ok, but they are they, not me.
Another story if we identify with the emotions, as in the example of “I should not be feeling this or that”. We fall into the game of right-wrong, which is basically an imposition of an ethical societal rule: that I consider this to be right, and that to be wrong, has to do with what “society” has taught me to, or what is accepted within this particular circle (for example, family, friends, city, world). This societal impositions of judgement, impose a boundary into the game of life. These boundaries are needed – as all rules in games – to play together. The boundary, as part of a finite game, is the same as the fear of exposing yourself, creating a shelter not to lose yourself, dying as the character that has to sustain a role. Play in this theatre, but do not belong to it. Yogi Bhajan said “in this world, but not of the world”. I describe myself using words and titles, yet aware enough of their use, and I expose myself as I am – a soul.
When I lose those boundaries (which are paradoxically needed) I enter my full consciousness, that of seeing the whole universe at play. It is a funny thing indeed, which can be seen through the body itself:  when I contract myself (close in, shut myself out, gather myself, constrict, tighten, in physical or mental levels) into a fearful-me, I fill myself with boundaries for protection, shelter, roof, properties, friends, titles, money… It is my protection against the acceptation of who I really are. In one word, I make myself small. And it is because I make myself small that I can be made small, pushed down by others, because as humans we read the code and decipher that “she wants to be made small” and so the pushing-down hits in.

Boundary imposition is self-inflicted.  Imposing myself boundaries has become a tendency, a habit. But it is also a sign for a division in myself- it marks that I recognise a fear, a “weakness”, a doubt, a conflict with myself. So therefore I chose to be partial, serious and safe instead of full and exposed. Whereas the paradox lies exactly in this! the more I expose myself, unchain myself from all these boundaries, fears, etx, the spell of finiteness is broken and I am able to laugh of myself, which can bring the best of healings!

To live in this world implies boundaries. We all the time create them ourselves, yet we very seldom decide consciously to break them. Sometimes situations lead us to break them, and very often life brings us back the same teachings over and over again, until we learn the lesson fully, rendering the finite game obsolete and opt out of it. Today I had (again!) a revelation of my own behaviour. I realised that I am taking up again that role of being “against doctors”. Whereas by taking that stand, I am completely agreeing to the role that they are playing. I am engaging them in a finite game, and all the drama that comes along. If I look at the broader picture, and see myself there, with my arms ready to fight, shoulders tight, blood boiling through my veins, fighting against all the doctors in this pea-sized country, I just have a great laugh! Tomorrow I will be gone from here, they will be gone somewhere else, life will be different. Yes, sometimes someone has to play the role of the antagonist, yet I dont want to take part in that game, not again. I decide that with my future children, I want to play as an infinite game. As a person, I can definitely do it, but as a family, we must also take part in the finite games of officialities, checkups, controls… which hardly allow for an infinite player. My meditation upon this habit I have is far from over, yet the realisation of it has brought a huge light into my day. Tomorrow, I decide again to die into the fact that I am a player, and I dont want to fight anyone. I just allow them – or at least tolerate them – and move on with my own game.

The initial thoughts of this post were written in a piece of paper, in a rush of creativity which at the time of transcribing it was gone, while reading Finite and Infinite games by James P. Carse