All posts by Sukhdev Kaur

The 40 day blessing


Being at home with baby
For forty days
Strengthens all of his bodies, his nervous system, his radiance and strength
Gives him trust, safety, courage, fearlessness
It is the basis for his life
A strong grounding, a safe haven, a lifelong foundation
Fulfils his questions of this new world and his doubts, but specially his longing to belong
By retracting from the outside world and everyday dealings, you give your child the greatest gift
Of belonging
Of knowing that it is all taken care of
Of realising the god within
No need to search outside
You are complete, you are perfect
You are Nanak, you are Angad, you are Amar Das, when I recognise you, my soul is comforted

40 days to learn from each other, to fall in love and bliss
To get in touch with your intuition and loose all thinking
To remain in the primeval brain as in birth giving
And also remain human
To trust the unknown in you and him
To remember the blessing of new beginnings
And learn to live all over again

Blessed blessed be thy life
My dear Theo

State of gratitude

“My divine majesty today is not mine. It is a state of consciousness. I wonder why you can’t get there. It is so simple. Your husband cannot give it to you, your mother can not give it to you, your father cannot give it to you, your brother cannot give it to you. Money cannot give it to you. Possessions cannot give it to you, your spiritual rituals cannot give it to you, your spiritual rites cannot give it to you. It is a state of gratitude, and it is a relationship between a human and God.” – Siri Singh Sahib (Yogi Bhajan)

from the center of the earth to the weightlessness of outter space

In the last couple of weeks I have been slowly coming back to the old world and doings at the university, teaching yoga, and meeting friends. But it all seems to be an absolutely different world. After my absence for 3-4 months, it feels as if 1000 years have gone, not only because the train has been moving on without me, but because I have been to another 1000 different worlds, physically, mentally, psychicly, spiritually and in all sorts of possible ways. It really feels like I have been physically down to the center of the earth, pushed out at speed light off to the weightlessness of outer space, at years light from here and now, seeing our tiny little planet and tiny little lives going on like a play, and now I am back again here.

A few weeks ago I found this quote that I have been using as a signature to my emails. It is just so good metaphor. It is not something I can explain, but the experience makes me grateful for all that has happened in my life.

“You cannot stay on the mountain forever. You have to come down again. So why bother in the first place? Just this: What is above knows what is below, but what is below does not know what is above. One climbs, one sees. One descends, one sees no longer, but one has seen. There is an art of conducting oneself in the lower regions by the memory of what one saw higher up. When one can no longer see, one can at least still know.” (Rene Daumal, Mont Analogue)

Now back to earth, I need to focus on earthly issues. While at some point felt absolutely pointless, now needs to get attention. It is hard. If what was most important to me in all my life, is not there anymore to be nurtured, then what else in the world is important at all? Accepting this fact, and the reality of the world we live in, I go back to everyday doings with an open heart. And with a whole new perspective on things, on myself, and on the world. And that perspective, that distance, remains with me for life. It is one of the precious gifts of Vida.

“you will be fine…” or will I?

The morning glory that blooms for an hour
Differs not at heart
From the giant pine that lives for a thousand years.
– Zen proverb

Many people have said to me, as a way of comfort from the loss of my baby, “it will be allright” or “you’ll be fine”, “you can have more children”, “you are strong”, and many other coments of the like. To be honest, dear friends, these are words of comfort for yourself (and that is fine too!), but does not make any change. What does, is not your words but your projection, and it doesnt matter what you say, I understand your human kindness which cannot find the right words for comforting the loss of a child. Indeed, no words can undo what is done, but some help in the healing more than others.

My dear friend Sada Sat Simran Kaur shared with me a story:

“A while ago I read a children’s book. It was about a little angel who came to visit the earth but she had to go after a short time…….The people who had been taken care of the angel where sad that the angel had to go but before the angel left she gave something to them. It was a bag with a light in it. And this light was there to remember them of the angel. They could also spread it arround in the world. The light wasn’t an ordinary light it was an infinite light.”

The bittersweet process of grieving

Grief (duelo), in my experience of loosing my baby, is like a new building falling.

It took so long to plan it, build it, see it rise every month, see the movement inside it, the decoration, the light. And when it is completely built, it falls down. I cannot put the pieces together. At first there is only a fall, the world falling apart and it is literally un-believable. The fall is followed by a cloud of thick unbreathable dust. The dust does not let me see nor breath. I don’t know where I am, lost, where is anything? Where is the building? what happened? There is a complete emptiness and a hollow black hole in my chest. Only dust, but the inner feeling says there is light, unbelievable light and energy behind the dust. Being in this dust, for me was like being in a raging salty sea, under the breaking waves, where nothing makes sense. There is only confusion.

One day, when the dust settles, I can see slightly more clearly. All this dust takes ages to settle, and I’m angry because it takes so long. The confusion gives into fear and realising what has happened. Looking for answers, for comfort, facing the mess, the falling of dreams and hopes, the destruction of doctrines. At the same time, a great peace prevails, nothing moves, everything just is. No thoughts, no doctrines, no philosophies, just pure humanity, as if the body had been skinned and I can see the real flesh inside the humans, the physical stuff of what we are made of. The strength is gone, though. No wish for starting to clean the dust, just to see the beauty of it. When the dust has settled, the sky can be seen more clearly. And that means it is time to start cleaning. Oh dear pain! Cleaning the precious pieces that made up that building, is nothing I want to do. I just want to see the building rise in its magnificence, but instead I have to clean it, as if it had been unworthy. Every precious piece that with so much love and care we built, is now dust. Oh dear rage!

The sky reminds of a wider world, but I need to clean. The cleaning is painful, as painful as the cervix opening. Letting go, releasing of everything I was, I am, I will be. All ideas, all thoughts, all wishes, all dreams, all pains, all memories. Releasing, dying in me. In the cleaning, I do not see what comes after, though I think about it all the time. The cleaning takes so much time. I will not know the next step until the cleaning is done. This bittersweet cleaning and healing.

There will be more buildings around, yet this hole remains as a precious reminder of love beyond this world.