On tuesday 30 march, I will start teaching kundalini yoga for pregnancy, which is a really enjoyable way of spending some hours during pregnancy. I myself enjoyed it a lot, being with my body and seeing how much less I was able to move every time. And in every month the feeling was different, some exercises were more pleasing (and needed) than others. There are many gifts we learn throughout the pregnancy, but what stuck in me the most during my first pregnancy, was the fact of giving in. Letting the love for my little one take over all my other (now trivial) priorities. It is well worth the sacrifice and the love! So much love!
Neither I nor Teet like to have medicine unless very, very necessary. So for the past week, I was resting with a common flu, or more like a simple cold, and he is now having it this week. I just let the “simple cold” come and take over me as much as it wanted, and after two days (in which the “simple cold” took all my energy), I was fine, enjoying the new energy I got from all the resting and taking time off, pampering myself. Sometimes the cold comes for a reason, and many of those times it is just because we need to rest. I really have much more energy now than before the cold, funny. It maybe had something to do with finishing a cycle…
Today as I am writing this, the sun is shining straight to my face through the window. Though outside is still below zero, and all the snow is brightly shining in its mountains in the courtyard and on the streets, the feeling of spring coming closer is in the air. With the spring, every year begin new cycles in nature, and since we humans are part of nature, we also experience a kind of re-awakening. This year for me, is a much more special spring than it has ever been before. Together with my daughter Vida in my heart, I walk again in this life with new eyes and open heart.
Grief (duelo), in my experience of loosing my baby, is like a new building falling.
It took so long to plan it, build it, see it rise every month, see the movement inside it, the decoration, the light. And when it is completely built, it falls down. I cannot put the pieces together. At first there is only a fall, the world falling apart and it is literally un-believable. The fall is followed by a cloud of thick unbreathable dust. The dust does not let me see nor breath. I don’t know where I am, lost, where is anything? Where is the building? what happened? There is a complete emptiness and a hollow black hole in my chest. Only dust, but the inner feeling says there is light, unbelievable light and energy behind the dust. Being in this dust, for me was like being in a raging salty sea, under the breaking waves, where nothing makes sense. There is only confusion.
One day, when the dust settles, I can see slightly more clearly. All this dust takes ages to settle, and I’m angry because it takes so long. The confusion gives into fear and realising what has happened. Looking for answers, for comfort, facing the mess, the falling of dreams and hopes, the destruction of doctrines. At the same time, a great peace prevails, nothing moves, everything just is. No thoughts, no doctrines, no philosophies, just pure humanity, as if the body had been skinned and I can see the real flesh inside the humans, the physical stuff of what we are made of. The strength is gone, though. No wish for starting to clean the dust, just to see the beauty of it. When the dust has settled, the sky can be seen more clearly. And that means it is time to start cleaning. Oh dear pain! Cleaning the precious pieces that made up that building, is nothing I want to do. I just want to see the building rise in its magnificence, but instead I have to clean it, as if it had been unworthy. Every precious piece that with so much love and care we built, is now dust. Oh dear rage!
The sky reminds of a wider world, but I need to clean. The cleaning is painful, as painful as the cervix opening. Letting go, releasing of everything I was, I am, I will be. All ideas, all thoughts, all wishes, all dreams, all pains, all memories. Releasing, dying in me. In the cleaning, I do not see what comes after, though I think about it all the time. The cleaning takes so much time. I will not know the next step until the cleaning is done. This bittersweet cleaning and healing.
There will be more buildings around, yet this hole remains as a precious reminder of love beyond this world.
Dear world, dear life.
Today I start using this blog to heal my wounds of love, to share with the others the wonderful gifts I have encountered in this journey called life. It has taken me about 3 years to write this first entry.
I dedicate all my doings to my wonderful daughter Vida Tooming, who was with us in this world for the most wonderful 18 hours. Blessed be all of us who got to know her.
Vida Tooming, born to this world 27.01.2010, back to the ethers 28.01.2010